We’ve all heard it, that saying no to things that don’t serve us and giving more yeses to the things that are life enhancing is one of the best ways to overcome overwhelm and boost our mental health…but what exactly are these things we need to say no (or yes) to more often? We’ll break it down for you right now – you get to cherry pick the parts that resonate and perhaps lend you an opportunity to create some more space for yourself as a mother and human being (read: someone who has needs too). Becoming more assertive and being able to say no can take practice – so get to flexin’ that no muscle! We promise it gets easier with time…
Keep in mind that saying no to one thing often means the chance to say yes to another… “No honey, I’m not going to your mate’s place for dinner again. You go though…” **goes and runs a bath instead**.
There are two keys to sorting things into the ‘more of this’ and ‘less of this’ piles:
- Focus on the things that really matter to you RIGHT NOW. If rest is the priority, then good sleep hygiene goes into the more, some social occasions go into the less. If connection to your partner is the priority, date nights go into the more and working late goes into the less.
- Be open to these piles changing, based solely around the above – what YOU need today, this week or this month.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, drained or like there’s never a moment for you, here’s what you need to say no to more often:
Unrealistic pressures on you as a mother.. Literally anything that falls into this category! That could be endless social events your family expect you to turn up to with a toddler – say no. It could be the expectation your partner has on you that the house is always perfect – say no (informing them they’re welcome to pay for a cleaner is quite an easy way to do this).
For new mamas, breastfeeding is a perfect example of these unrealistic pressures (and seems to be the topic where it usually starts us off in trying to be ‘perfect’ Mums). If you can and you love it, great – if you can’t, if it doesn’t feel right in your body, if you’ve exhausted all avenues of help, or if it’s simply not for you physically, emotionally, or mentally – say no. Your baby, your family, your body, your life – consider this permission to say no to any future unsolicited advice that you don’t feel works for you.
Doing it all alone…To this one we say a BIG no and support any mama who finds the courage to say no as well. 90% of the mothers we speak to in counselling practice feel completely isolated and alone in all they do as a mother, unseen in their efforts. Here are a couple of things we recommend;
- Find a safe space to express your frustrations (our team are great at this) and identify work arounds for the major areas in which you need support (where you feel alone) – sometimes the exercise of identifying these, being heard by someone who gets it and creating an action plan are all it takes to initiate huge change in feeling valued and sharing the load.
- Sit down with your partner and brainstorm ways in which the division of household and child related duties can be more equally divided. There’s a wonderful book about this (we’ll pop it in our store soon and add the updated link here) by Eve Rodsky – Fair Play. It’s a great one to work through as a couple.
Unbalanced work and parenting…The best trick to say no to this imbalance is by ringing in the support you need. That support can come through:
…Honest conversations with your employer (we can also help with what to say depending on the individual circumstances)
…Bringing in additional support where affordable (one of our mamas halved her stress levels by getting an afternoon nanny for two hours who simply picked up the kids and put dinner on) and by being REALLY true to yourself around what that balance looks like.
…Saying no to Mum guilt in either direction – if you’re a Mum who is happier at the office than at home, that’s great because it’s who YOU are…If you’re a Mum who is happier at home with her kids and resents the idea of a second away from her kids, that’s great because that’s who YOU are. There is no write or wrong here – it’s just important (ok, necessary) to be super clear on what your ideal looks like before trying to action anything, especially before looking at new roles when pivoting or returning to work after mat leave. Journaling is a wonderful tool to create clarity on what you truly want.
…Saying no to further demands on your time and energy at work that are outside of your contracted hours and KPIs – there’s a story we’ll share later but if your boss is on you for more hours, more input, more responsibility when it’s simply not in your wheelhouse or pay grade – say no. If it’s becoming unbearable, start searching for a new role; there are some incredible employers out there who honour flexibility around family.
One last little trick when it comes to work is creating a very clear division of leave schedule/share plan with your partner – there’s still a huge trend towards mothers being the ones to take sick leave or carers leave when little ones are unwell. Your career is important too, just saying.
Social stuff when you really don’t wanna…Easy one…stop saying yes when you really want to say no. At the end of the day, no one cares – and if they do, are they really friends or people you want in your life anyway? We find being honest is the best policy here e.g. “It sounds great and I appreciate the invitation, I’ve just had a huge week and need some downtime this weekend”.
We get it, it can feel yucky to think you’re letting someone down – but ultimately they’ll get over it (if they even mind in the first place). As a general rule, you’ll probably find that the more honest about and protective of your time and wellbeing you are, the more those you love will follow in your footsteps – lead the way mama. One way we love to pay this forward is by making sure our mama friends know there’s never any pressure e.g. “Hi x, would you like to come along to x? I know your little one hasn’t been sleeping this week so please take the rest if you need it, just letting you know we’re going incase you wanted to get out of the house”.
People who treat you as ‘less than’…Cannot stress this one enough – NO NO NO…ALL OF THE NO to these people. The ones who treat you like less than you’re worth and less than you deserve as a mother, woman and individual. It might be time to cut them off if they disrespect you, your time, your family or your life choices. Yes, even if they’re blood relatives. What does all of this mean for you? Are there any friendships or other relationships (romantic, family, professional etc) that might need a review? If you do get to a place where you want to heal, address or leave behind these relationships, we’re here to help with that process (and yes, we help couples too).
Now that we’ve covered the things to say no to more often, we’re onto the fun part…what to say YES to instead. Make a list, you know within yourself what lights you up and what you’d love more of in your life. Maybe it’s space for you, travel, painting, silence, warm baths, yoga…whatever it is, write it down and do more of it. Here’s our list of more general things but feel free to get specific when it comes to your own musings:
- You time
- Things that make you smile
- Receiving and asking for more support and help
- Self-care
- Anything that is a f*** yes (saying no to anything that isn’t this)
- More play
- Naps (ok, we added that one because there’s a few of us with non-sleeping babies right now)
- Anything that your body, mind or soul need to be healthy
As always, if you are struggling with any of this, need help in learning to say no or just want someone professional to speak to – reach out by booking a session with one of our compassionate mama counsellors who have all the tools, care & wisdom you need to move forward 🤍