Before I was a parent, I knew so much about parenting.  I had decided my babies would only eat organic, homemade, nutritious meals, that they’d never eat sugar or processed foods, and would be forever kept away from screen time.  In comes the baby and now chicken nuggets grace our dining table on more nights than I want to admit and ABC Kids is the cheapest (and most reliable) babysitter I have found.  Mothering (or parenting) is one of those things that you don’t get to judge until you’re in it and never get to control.  Survival tip: let go of perfectionism in parenting, it isn’t a real thing.

This morning baby-daddy walked in to pick up our son and said “I see you’re having another healthy breakfast”.  For two days in a row B (our baby) had decided a bag of chips was what he’d have for breakfast.  First things first, if you don’t want a kid to eat the chips, don’t have the chips in the house (rookie error).  Secondly, he had been offered the usual fruit, eggs, toast and had subsequently thrown each on the floor.  Survival tip: if the toddler wants chips at that point, give him the chips.

The control freak in me has developed a few twitches since becoming a mother and one of the biggest things I’ve learned is to really let go of what we can’t control – realizing that this includes the little beings we’ve been entrusted with.  We can absolutely teach lovingly, share our values and create healthy boundaries in our home, but our children will still be who they be.  Survival tip: remember these words from Kahlil Gibran when struggling with control –

“Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. 

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

Self care isn’t all expensive yoga retreats and whole days away from mothering (honestly, happy for you if you get that but it’s not realistic for most).   It’s the little things that count in topping our tank up.  Walking away when things get heated with our kids for 3 full rounds of breath alone with our feelings, a hot shower alone to reset the nervous system even if just for 3 minutes.  Survival tip: A shower counts as self care.  

I’ve stopped wearing my Apple watch to bed – “Last night you slept a total of 2 hours and 23 minutes” – reading that is depressing.  Reading it makes the sleepless night feel a hundred times worse. There have been mornings after nights up with a sick babe that I haven’t actually felt too bad, until the recorded hours of sleep flashed up in my face.  Our bodies are magnificent, they find their way to homeostasis despite some pretty significant challenges, but our minds are powerful too.   So take off the sleep trackers in the first 4 years of parenting…because the less we measure and just be with what is, the better.  On that, the more electrical devices you can rid you (and your babies rooms) from, the better all of you will sleep.  When I started switching my phone to airplane mode and turning off our Wifi at nights I slept so much more soundly.  Survival tip: try to disconnect from the belief that if you’ve had a rough night, the day following will be crappy too – it doesn’t have to be.

I nearly forgot about the no sugar rule!  Every Sunday we go for a walk to the shops to get a lollipop for the little guy.  Completely against all of my nutritional principles but completely all for the opportunity that sugar stick creates to keep him in the pram while we walk through local nature reserves for 45mins afterwards.  All movement counts, as a mother I can’t get to my pre-baby 5 yoga classes a week anymore, but I do find ways to make space to move while being a ‘good enough’ mother.  For me personally, exercise has a HUGE effect on my mental health and is an absolutely necessity.  Survival tip: whether it takes a treat or any other bribe – getting kids out for YOUR daily walk can do wonders.  

One of the biggest things about being a single parent is that there’s literally no one there to encourage you or even notice the long days and big love you put into your kids.  There’s probably millions of married/partnered mothers who feel pretty unseen and uncelebrated too.  If you ever see your little ones smile or achieve something new – take that tiny moment to recognise that so much of their joy and growth is because of you.  Allow these things to be your praise. 

Your children thrive because of your love, your sleepless nights and the little things you do each day that no one else sees.  There may never be thanks or kudos at the end of a mumma day, but as trying as they can be, my heart is full and my kid is alive…I’m pretty sure that’s all that matters.  Survival tip:  You know that weird little clap we do for the kids when they do something awesome?  Give yourself mama self claps over the little wins – my son does it all the time and it’s the sweetest thing – it’s an opportunity to celebrate you and to have a little giggle too (I think it’s actually impossible to self clap without a smile or laugh).

Take the pressure off yourself with cooking and once in a while spoil yourself with ready to eat meals delivered.

If getting through the days are still tough, we’re always here to support you – BOOK NOW with one of our support team or if urgent, reach out to these crisis services.